Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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