Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
