i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
