he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
you traded sex for a burrito?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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