I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
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its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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