seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
