just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
