i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
