non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
