I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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