I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
