I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
