I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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