and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
