He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
