I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
just tell him i said nine months
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
