I am midnight drunk by noon
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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