I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
