Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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