I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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