Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
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