I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
