If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
