you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
