I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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