Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
