Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
