ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We don't watch enough power rangers
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
