I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
