You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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