I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
