Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
BRING THE BAGELS
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
