i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
