and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
