tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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