If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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