Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
