Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
