But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Congratulations! We have a period
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
