After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
