Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
