Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
