Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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