I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
