Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
