I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
