I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
