Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
The uberlube is also flammable
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
