sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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