remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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