You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
