so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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