Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
